Your madness tames my blizzard,
I lose my sanity through your notes,
each silence chokes my tears,
every phrase wraps up my mind,
you mean everything and with nothing you disapear.
You can create moments and transform them into memories full of emotions, you burn, freeze, heal, kill…
Able to move mountains and my shoes,
able to drown hearts or make them fly higher.
Able to scar without a touch,
able to make me dream without even glancing.
You move divously, making prisioner of your spell anybody that goes by,
you dont promise anything, yet you give away so much…
You give, you take, you take and you give things back again,
I listen to your introduction and you make my fingertips tingle non stop,
your whisper on my ear, you are the answer to all those questions I don’t want to hear.
Present in each moment, you turn up by chance,
you leave me awake at night as a sailor fighting the sea,
you flow through my veins on my way to the truth,
you leave me drunk looking for a last bar to drink in.
Slumdog in the melancholic streets,
hidden lover in the shadows,
artist of symbolic paintings,
you hide your greatest secrets behind the mirror.
Music, tonight I will be bewitched by your touch,
you inspire my words to search far away from the unknown,
please take me with you, there’s no space left in this empty world.
On my first days back from my journey I was merged in a moment of chaos and confusion, the waters weren’t clear enough for me to write, to feel, to think. I spent so many hours staring at silence trying to express my feelings and my thoughts about all the moments I shared, my heart was beating so fast, my mind kept jumping back and forwards unsure about my place and my present; I wanted to be in so many places at the same time yet my feet were still, it was like living a constant dejavú of an unmatched puzzle broken by the contrast of my reality; I simply wasn’t ready, until now.
The deafening water coming from the shower falls upon you, time slows down, numb while having your eyes closed your mind wraps around your past dreams and twisted memories. Your thoughts take you away from your own reality and go off on a tangent to the unknown, the unreal, to changing suppositions to things already established, while your mind enjoys itself imagining and drawing momentum towards a sign with shiny lights called “What if?”.
The line continues heading further away and there seems no reason to return back, the is no reason to open your eyes and come back to reality; you’re still pulling the strings, squeezing a bit tighter towards the nonexistent limits as everything seems bright and attractive… until your reach the point where the dissonance meets your mind and you no longer distinguish between what could have happened and what really occurred.
Confused and disturbed you decide to return, following your steps back, and slowly you can hear again the water falling down and feel the humidity of the room as well. You turn the tap off and a distorted silence comes as it gets mixed with the few timid water drops from the shower, the invisible bubble fades away, you open your eyes and take a deep breath. You step out the shower and the morning breeze kisses your skin, its freshness sensitises your sense of touch and you breathe in again; a new day begins, maybe it’s a good moment to start again.
Last night I was at home in my old room at my parent’s house, I was looking through some stuff on my desk and I found my mum’s camera. I picked it up and the first thing I thought was “Huh, this is strange, considering she’s in Paris at the moment, why would have she left it behind? maybe it’s broken or something?” I pressed the power button, and it surprisingly turned on just fine, and right before my eyes a picture flashed, making me tremble and completely speechless. I admired the colours, the whole scene, then I closed my eyes, and smiled.
All of a sudden I felt a raise on the temperature, I was no longer in my old room, neither was winter, I was back in the summer days. I looked around me, It was evening time, the sun had already crossed the horizon, the most beautiful blues and reds showed up in the sky as if they had been painted by artists hanging on the clouds. I breathed in, peace and harmony filled my lungs, I could hear some light and delicate music playing near me, I tasted cucumber and rose on my lips; I was drunk in love and my soul floated free across the skies. The song ended, and with it, so did time; the universe had stopped in front of me, and all I could hear was an aligned matching heart beat, while I held her soft hand. There I was, lying down on a deck chair in my garden, wearing an Ibizan white shirt, living one of those moments that will remain forever in my heart.
She was lying on my chest, now I had both arms around her, we were both looking at the horizon, while having one of those conversations, soul to soul, heart to heart. I made a pause on my words, and I looked at her and drowned myself in her gorgeous eyes, I gently stroked her arms, caressed her left cheek and kissed her lips as I closed my eyes; they tasted as happiness, as freedom… as the smell of a storm.
I put my hand on my naked chest, pressed it against my ribs and closed my eyes; my soul came out, and with it a piece of my heart. There it was, completely raw, right on my hand, it burned like a firestone with a golden shade – I quickly put it on her chest; my most precious possession was no longer mine. I had never ever felt so vulnerable and so devoted to my present, nothing else mattered, it was simply her and I, making love just by holding hands.
Time’s up, you have just reached the end of the road, now you’re naked looking over the edge of the cliff, is time to jump and never look back. Now you’re clenching your teeth, doubting about what you are about to do, everything here is still so present, the memories will never stop visiting you, dragging you back where you once started. Before you jump make sure there are no ropes attached to your limbs, even now you are scared, your heart is still begging you to stop, telling you that there is still hope, that everything with a little bit more time can be achieved, just a little bit more time…
You have been here for longer that you can remember, is not your patience what has failed you, you have always stood up for what you believe and feel, and now, with your heart broken down in ashes, the last embers are starting to cool down to become simple dust. Your knees are shaking, you just don’t know what hides on the other side, there is just fog and clouds, and behind you there is an open book playing it’s words on replay, tearing your remains a little bit more. You have been here long enough, building your own purgatory out of hopes, and the day has arrived, the day your house of cards falls down and leaves nothing but your dreams shattering on the floor.
It hurts, it does hurt a lot, now you’re looking around trying to fix it all and rebuild it back up again, but you know it, it’s hopeless. Your mind goes though many stages, denial, anger, hope, depression, guilt, anxiety, frustration, sadness, melancholy… and at the end of the road, a leap.
Cross the door, open your eyes, release your soul, liberate your mind.
To the walker of endless paths, to the sailor of drowning seas, to the pilot with broken wings, I need to tell you all that I had enough.
My pursuit has come to an end, at least for now.
Sometimes we are so blind trying to find a way to bring back memories of our past, to keep them alive through dreams that dare too high and too far at the same time. But, why would anybody wish to have things as good as they were, when they can be even greater but we don’t know it just yet?
What is it about the fact of being alone? – Nobody seems to like it. In fact, soon we start feeling lonely and looking for possible ways to stop this feeling, usually making wrong decisions. Somehow we have this rush to prove the world around us how great we are, as if there was something to prove, we try to cover our insecurities with the distraction of meeting others, making endless comparisons with previous lovers and experiences, and not seeing the fact that everybody is different – even ourselves have changed. We seem to be so obsessed to tick off the boxes hanging in our heads, apparently forced to choose on the spot instead of seeing all the possibilities that we truly have.
Let me tell you, there is nothing wrong about being alone – which is completely different to feel alone. Many people spend a long time of their lives unaware of the fact that we are enough by ourselves, we don’t need anybody else to feel happy, we have every right to enter the sea with our boat on our own. It’s time to embrace freedom and take a deep breath, we have ahead so many great things; amazing connections yet to be made, news discoveries about ourselves, solo-ride adventures… things that will come to us, but in order for them to happen, we first must let go off our past, untangle our thick and troubled minds, open them up and embrace our present; because it’s the only real time when get to live in.
You are an amazing person, you don’t need anybody else to complete you, you are able to achieve the greatest things. Just because the fact there is an empty space beside you on the road you are walking on, there is no need for you to stop your march, rush and panic looking around for someone to fill that space. Maybe that person is waiting ahead, maybe it’s somebody that you haven’t met just yet, throw away all your notes, all your expectations, if there’s anybody in this world that needs to impress somebody, let them be the people around you to you. Don’t waste your time trying to fit in someone else’s life as if you were desperate looking for shelter on a stormy night. Be the storm instead.
Be proud of yourself, live your life according to your own rules, enjoy every step.