“Just Be.”

Ayer por la tarde exploté, todo ocurrió demasiado rápido, perdí toda estabilidad, me miré en el cristal, no me reconocía, la imagen de mi persona se había emborronado con el desgaste de los meses, me había dejado perder a través de mis recuerdos, y de repente vi que no quedaba nada de lo que un día fuí.

Aterrado, afronté la noche en soledad, rallando las uñas contra la pared, respirando el veneno de las preguntas vacías, escudriñe mis opciones. Encendí una vela encima de la mesa, su tenue luz iluminó una mirada de otros tiempos, observé la llama fijamente y me di cuenta de toda la ceniza quemada, de todo el tiempo gastado en un tren perdido, en que el mundo sigue dando vueltas conmigo y sin mí.

Enfurecido, me puse a gritar al cielo, desatando las cadenas del alma, forjando la antigua promesa de no volver a caer, de mirar tan solo un palmo por delante de mis pies. Tomé aire de nuevo, escupí el veneno, me desquité a mi manera, prendí fuego al infierno.

Salí de esa habitación oscura, mire a mi alrededor, y solo vi sombras ocupadas yendo de aquí para allá. Todo este tiempo lo había estado enfocando todo mal, no eran ellos, era yo el que tenia que pulsar el botón de reiniciar.

Reiniciar la cabeza, recalibrar mis ideas, visualizar el presente y dejarme de tragicomedias. Volver al carpe diem, volver a vivir el momento, volver a quererme un poco más y dejar de pensar en mi pasado para dar espacio a mi yo de verdad.

Translation:

Last night I exploded, everything happened too fast, I lost my equilibrium, I looked at myself through the glass, I didn’t recognise myself, my own image had blurred with the wear of the months, I lost myself through my memories, and all of a sudden I saw that I was no longer what once I had been. 

Terrified, I faced the night on my own, grating the walls with my nails, breathing the poison of empty questions, I stared at my options. I light up a candle on the table, its ethereal light enlight a look on my eyes from other times, I started at the flame and I realised about all the burnt ashes, of all the wasted time on a lost train, about the world, which is still spinning around with and without me. 

Raging, I shouted my lungs out, unchained the strings attached to my soul, I forged a lost promise of myself to not fall, and to only look a few meters in front of my own feet. I breathed in once again, I spat out the venom, I liberated myself, I set my hell on fire. 

I left the dark room, I looked around and I only saw busy shadows going off in their own matters. All this time I had being focusing on the wrong cues, It wasn’t them, it was me who had to press the reset button.

Restart my mind, calibrate my ideas, visualise my present and throw away all those tragicomedies of mine. Return to Carpe diem, return to live the moment, return to love myself a little bit more and stop thinking of my past to leave some room to my true self. 

J.

 

Photo: Madrid, Spain. October 2018.

The Pirate’s Compass.

 

I…

What did I came here for?

I looked around and I just saw arrows, names, directions… but no clear path.

Envolved in a bubble of thoughts spinning around, I failed to see the way, my own way… and that’s when I realised that I needed to stop looking around me and actually focus on myself.

For the last couple of months I found a rather unexpected companion on my way; a small chandelier whom from time to time came to visit me and drew a little bit of light on my person. This light was bright and ethereal at the same time, like a gentle brush over my shoulder that somehow made me realise of so many things about myself; my strenghts, my motivations, my worries, my fears… Slowly but steady I kept progressing on identifying my starting point, my baseline, my soul – Sometimes it takes a little bit of time, a little patience, to stop thinking and start feeling, to stop talking and start listening, to stop braking and start building; building new ideas, new objectives, new feelings… a new self.

A new self built from the traces of one’s dreams, a new self full energy and positiveness, a new self that wakes up in the morning ready to take on the world, a new world where the word impossible does not exist, a new self that dozes between his reality and his dreams because they seem to be blended on the psycodelic and limitless reflection of his imagination…A new self that after doing a lot of thinking, decided to open his eyes and stop thinking to really start living.

Now is the time where I can see everything so clear, now is the time where I feel that there is no fear; I am the owner of my own destiny and I know what I came here for; the lights will never fade away, the show will must go on, and while the earth is still spinning around so will be I, spinning around, running forward, flying on… living my life.

A life that in order to possess, I must first hear, hear about their true motivations, their ambitions, their equilibria. A life that is here for a purpose, so I listen to its heart beat, I close my eyes, its path it’s near…

…

… (seawaves) …

…

This morning I woke up on the middle of a beach, the sun was high and surrounded by blue skies, the sea was calm and it’s tides played around with the sand. I gently opened my eyes to see nobody around me; with the big blue infront of my brown eyes and the deep green jungle on my back. I was completely naked, there was no trace or memory about how I got there, just a small bracelet with a silver anchor wrapped around my left wrist. I took it off, and held it on my hands.  Soon I remembered what this old talisman meant to me, it reminded me of my island; after a long time sailing over the seas, I was finally home.

There was a time not that long ago, when I used to be a pirate, I lived for the day, and lived twice for the night. Efforteless, I sailed over sea and land, completely free and mad. I was the captain of my own boat; I fought, sang, drank… what I pleased I held it on my hands. Daredevil, hungry for new horizons and treasures to discover, I was always on the way, always sailing to another place, always wishing for a wind of change. And to me it seemed that it was on the way where everything happened to be, so why selttling down, why would I moor my boat having so many adventures yet to take on, so many dreams yet to fulfill… so I continued crossing the world on an endless pursue until I reach the point where no matter where I travelled I seemed to be lost, where nowhere seemed to be a place of satifastion to me.

Soon the colours faded away, the taste of freedom tasted of chains, the sound for adventure became silent and sea salt was the only thing I could smell. Desperate, I looked for a solution for my troubles, how could they suddenly have erased all my energy, how could they have tied again the mind who promised to be free until he died… the aswer lied on the origin, on the beginings, so I returned home to seek the peace and meditation I needed to be able to go on.

I arrived to the beach of my island, I sat on the sand and I closed my eyes, I started to purify my soul by reaching out the components that built my equilibrium. One by one, I wishpered them on my lips but the words seemed to come out from my mouth and drop on the floor; their weight was light and vain, so I thought of a way to carry them always with me, so no matter where I went my equilibrium would be always sinked and fixed on me: An small anchor around my wrist. A little tool to dive into the darkest waters and still be me. An little artefact to resist the tornados of my mind and still fly free. An amulet that holds resistance and turned upside down points the way towards my dreams.

That day the pirate found his most precious treasure, now he’s off again into his adventures, however this time no matter how far or how lost he gets, there will be always something anchored to him: His equilibrium.

J.

Photo: Zürich, Switzerland. November 2017.

The Last Letter.

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Dear ________,

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How are you? I hope you’re well… I write you this letter to express my confusion, I know that things are not going too well; you don’t look at me the same way, we don’t laugh about the lesser things anymore, I am not sure if it’s you or me, but I have something to confess you: I realised there’s somebody else in my life.

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I am not sure If I ever told you about them, maybe I kept it to myself because I didn’t have the courage or I was ashamed. It’s someone that has been around for a long time, very close to me, and I think the moment has arrived for me to make a choice. Honestly, I never thought I would find myself in this situation, there are warm days, grey days, and others simply you find yourself paralysed, without being able to find the desire nor reason, without that motivation and the courage that are so fundamental to make the heart happy.

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I promise you that before reaching this point I have been thinking about it for a long time, it’s not a vain decision, but the days keep passing by and I realise more how much I am hurting myself. A life repressed, made of fallen smiles and empty words are poisoning my inside, and there’s not reason to longer something that has already been dead for a while.

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Please, I beg you to keep reading this letter, I know its something rather difficult, but it has also being hard for me; they say that expressing all sorrows on a letter is for cowards, but I don’t want to think that, as I am undressing my soul in front of your eyes for the last time. The person I have met is someone that I think it’s worth enough to leave everything and go with them, they have asked me to do it for a while with care and patience, and now I feel bad to have treated them like that. Is someone loyal, that have always given me their best side as well as the time and the understanding that I needed to see how hard sometimes it is to apologise. It is someone that has made me laugh, jump, smile and make me feel grateful for every moment that I spent with them, and maybe, the most important thing; they never asked me for anything in return, never asked me to change, they never claimed my freedom for them, they always let me fly, and today is the day I will fly back to their window to return to the journey that maybe I should have never left.

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I don’t regret anything, not to have met you nor how destiny has driven our ways, making mistakes is human, as much as tripping on my own steps. I really hope you also can find that person, who knows, maybe you have already found it, and if so, really, I would be really happy for you. I had mine right in front of me all this time, and I just feel lucky that it’s not been too late for me to get on their train which was about to leave the station.

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I know that as every end and beginning, things will be hard, but when we fall in this kind of unbalanced state of mind we all take some time to find the inner peace, but when you realise of what is really worth everything will make sense in your mind and you will be able to walk forward, as I am doing it today.

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I hope that while you are reading this you don’t feel betrayed or fooled, it was not my intention, so I beg you to understand me, you have given me no choice, The person I have chosen to share my life with is someone that is not better looking or uglier than you, they haven’t got anything that you don’t have, but sometimes we must value the people around us for the things they expect from us and the things they give us in return, and I am not talking about the material things. Weighting the scale of happiness I have realised of what is really worth, so now without stretching this letter any longer I will confess you that this special person is nobody else than just myself.

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I have been excluded for a while, not taking care of myself, hurting myself and letting others doing that too, suffering in silence, holding on patiently for a change that has never arrived, until finally, today I had enough. I had enough of delegating my happiness and my suffering on behalf of others, I had enough of looking around timidly, as if I was looking for permission to express what I think and doing what I want. I had enough of breaking myself for you, trying to protect you from dangers that you should face by yourself, so the next time you look for that damn dependence, I warn you that you will not find it, I won’t be there for you, and I am not expecting you to be there for me, I won’t be your second choice, as I have for so long lived my life.

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However, you will find someone that is proud of himself, full of freedom and vitality, be careful because he will be blunt about their feelings, and this doesn’t mean that he won’t be able to treat others as they deserve. Don’t try to chain me up or trick me with old tricks, I am not interested. I think I will take sometime before giving somebody another chance, this ain’t personal but what we shared was very personal and now I need time.

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Don’t wait for me, life your live and reach your dreams, I am already gone looking for mine and I don’t travel alone, not anymore.

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J.

Photo: Madrid, March 2017

Dancing With The Devil Within.

 

Music. 

Your madness tames my blizzard, 

I lose my sanity through your notes, 

each silence chokes my tears, 

every phrase wraps up my mind, 

you mean everything and with nothing you disapear. 

You can create moments and transform them into memories full of emotions, you burn, freeze, heal, kill…

 

Able to move mountains and my shoes,

able to drown hearts or make them fly higher.

Able to scar without a touch, 

able to make me dream without even glancing. 

You move divously, making prisioner of your spell anybody that goes by, 

you dont promise anything, yet you give away so much…

 

You give, you take, you take and you give things back again,

I listen to your introduction and you make my fingertips tingle non stop, 

your whisper on my ear, you are the answer to all those questions I don’t want to hear.

Present in each moment, you turn up by chance,

you leave me awake at night as a sailor fighting the sea,

you flow through my veins on my way to the truth, 

you leave me drunk looking for a last bar to drink in. 

 

Slumdog in the melancholic streets, 

hidden lover in the shadows, 

artist of symbolic paintings, 

you hide your greatest secrets behind the mirror.

 

Music, tonight I will be bewitched by your touch, 

you inspire my words to search far away from the unknown, 

please take me with you, there’s no space left in this empty world. 

 

J. 

Photo: Valladolid, May 2017

Nobody Knows How To Say Goodbye.

On my first days back from my journey I was merged in a moment of chaos and confusion, the waters weren’t clear enough for me to write, to feel, to think. I spent so many hours staring at silence trying to express my feelings and my thoughts about all the moments I shared, my heart was beating so fast, my mind kept jumping back and forwards unsure about my place and my present; I wanted to be in so many places at the same time yet my feet were still, it was like living a constant dejavú of an unmatched puzzle broken by the contrast of my reality; I simply wasn’t ready, until now.

–

Maybe it’s true, maybe nobody knows how to say goodbye, but what I know for sure is that everybody can look forward to the things that lie ahead. The past is sealed and it for always will remain ethereal in our hearts, guarding all those moments of love in a safe box deep inside. My latest journey was a time of discovery for me, I found another missing piece of myself, and I also found so many other things that only pushed me forward towards all those things I wanted to achieve, but I didn’t know just yet. I learnt to embrace each moment, to live my present and feel grateful for it, to look around me and find what really matters: Love. In this little world that spins so fast, there should only be room for the good things of life, and it’s all about our perception, happiness lies everywhere we go, sometimes we need to close our eyes to truly see it…and I see it.

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It’s funny how tying up your pair of hiking shoes, grabbing a backpack with a few of your belongings and taking an unknown route can bring some many new things to the life that you thought at first it was complete, a life that you thought that you have learnt everything that there is to learn from, a life tamed by a set of expectations and previous experiences that from nowhere comes back to enlight you with a new point of view, a new reason to stay tuned, a new reason to love. In my case it was the people around me who made me see that there is so much still out there to see, to feel, to share…to be.

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On the way I met the most amazing people, each and one of them from a very different background and personality, but we had something in common, we were walking. Endless days and nights of laughter, tears and emotion brought me to the place I am now, and although it’s impossible not to look back and miss all those moments, now every time I do it, I smile. Now I am picturing in my head every single one of these friends, and I am so happy to say from the bottom of my heart that I received a different present from each of them – Now I can put all those pieces together and see the picture lying behind it. I was so lucky not just to meet them, but to share with them so many things, and it was by sharing how everything began, from a glass of wine to a deep heart felted hug, and although I am not with them at the moment, I feel them so close to me. There have become a part of me, of my life, which is feeling so ready to take the next step forward and at the same time is capable to enjoy this moment of apparent solitude. I am not alone, and after knowing what I am carrying with me I know that I will never be, I am ready now, I am ready to live.

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Thank you my dearest friends, maybe nobody knows how to say goodbye, but maybe that’s not a problem if you don’t find reasons to do it.

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Until next time.

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J.

Photo: Barcelos, Portugal. April 2017

A Moment of Tangency.

 

The deafening water coming from the shower falls upon you, time slows down, numb while having your eyes closed your mind wraps around your past dreams and twisted memories. Your thoughts take you away from your own reality and go off on a tangent to the unknown, the unreal, to changing suppositions to things already established, while your mind enjoys itself imagining and drawing momentum towards a sign with shiny lights called “What if?”.

The line continues heading further away and there seems no reason to return back, the is no reason to open your eyes and come back to reality; you’re still pulling the strings, squeezing a bit tighter towards the nonexistent limits as everything seems bright and attractive… until your reach the point where the dissonance meets your mind and you no longer distinguish between what could have happened and what really occurred.

Confused and disturbed you decide to return, following your steps back, and slowly you can hear again the water falling down and feel the humidity of the room as well. You turn the tap off and a distorted silence comes as it gets mixed with the few timid water drops from the shower, the invisible bubble fades away, you open your eyes and take a deep breath. You step out the shower and the morning breeze kisses your skin, its freshness sensitises your sense of touch and you breathe in again; a new day begins, maybe it’s a good moment to start again.

J.

The Photo of the Garden.

 

Last night I was at home in my old room at my parent’s house, I was looking through some stuff on my desk and I found my mum’s camera. I picked it up and the first thing I thought was “Huh, this is strange, considering she’s in Paris at the moment, why would have she left it behind? maybe it’s broken or something?” I pressed the power button, and it surprisingly turned on just fine, and right before my eyes a picture flashed, making me tremble and completely speechless. I admired the colours, the whole scene, then I closed my eyes, and smiled.

All of a sudden I felt a raise on the temperature, I was no longer in my old room, neither was winter, I was back in the summer days. I looked around me, It was evening time, the sun had already crossed the horizon, the most beautiful blues and reds showed up in the sky as if they had been painted by artists hanging on the clouds. I breathed in, peace and harmony filled my lungs, I could hear some light and delicate music playing near me, I tasted cucumber and rose on my lips; I was drunk in love and my soul floated free across the skies. The song ended, and with it, so did time; the universe had stopped in front of me, and all I could hear was an aligned matching heart beat, while I held her soft hand. There I was, lying down on a deck chair in my garden, wearing an Ibizan white shirt, living one of those moments that will remain forever in my heart.

She was lying on my chest, now I had both arms around her, we were both looking at the horizon, while having one of those conversations, soul to soul, heart to heart. I made a pause on my words, and I looked at her and drowned myself in her gorgeous eyes, I gently stroked her arms, caressed her left cheek and kissed her lips as I closed my eyes; they tasted as happiness, as freedom… as the smell of a storm.

I put my hand on my naked chest, pressed it against my ribs and closed my eyes; my soul came out, and with it a piece of my heart. There it was, completely raw, right on my hand, it burned like a firestone with a golden shade – I quickly put it on her chest; my most precious possession was no longer mine. I had never ever felt so vulnerable and so devoted to my present, nothing else mattered, it was simply her and I, making love just by holding hands.

J.

Photo: Muelas de los Caballeros, Spain. August 2016

The Leap.

It’s Time.

Time’s up, you have just reached the end of the road, now you’re naked looking over the edge of the cliff, is time to jump and never look back. Now you’re clenching your teeth, doubting about what you are about to do, everything here is still so present, the memories will never stop visiting you, dragging you back where you once started. Before you jump make sure there are no ropes attached to your limbs, even now you are scared, your heart is still begging you to stop, telling you that there is still hope, that everything with a little bit more time can be achieved, just a little bit more time…

You have been here for longer that you can remember, is not your patience what has failed you, you have always stood up for what you believe and feel, and now, with your heart broken down in ashes, the last embers are starting to cool down to become simple dust. Your knees are shaking, you just don’t know what hides on the other side, there is just fog and clouds, and behind you there is an open book playing it’s words on replay, tearing your remains a little bit more. You have been here long enough, building your own purgatory out of hopes, and the day has arrived, the day your house of cards falls down and leaves nothing but your dreams shattering on the floor.

It hurts, it does hurt a lot, now you’re looking around trying to fix it all and rebuild it back up again, but you know it, it’s hopeless. Your mind goes though many stages, denial, anger, hope, depression, guilt, anxiety, frustration, sadness, melancholy… and at the end of the road, a leap.

Cross the door, open your eyes, release your soul, liberate your mind.

J.

Photo: Ibiza, July 2016

The Breakthrough.

To the walker of endless paths, to the sailor of drowning seas, to the pilot with broken wings, I need to tell you all that I had enough.

My pursuit has come to an end, at least for now.

Sometimes we are so blind trying to find a way to bring back memories of our past, to keep them alive through dreams that dare too high and too far at the same time. But, why would anybody wish to have things as good as they were, when they can be even greater but we don’t know it just yet?

What is it about the fact of being alone? – Nobody seems to like it. In fact, soon we start feeling lonely and looking for possible ways to stop this feeling, usually making wrong decisions. Somehow we have this rush to prove the world around us how great we are, as if there was something to prove, we try to cover our insecurities with the distraction of meeting others, making endless comparisons with previous lovers and experiences, and not seeing the fact that everybody is different – even ourselves have changed. We seem to be so obsessed to tick off the boxes hanging in our heads, apparently forced to choose on the spot instead of seeing all the possibilities that we truly have.

Let me tell you, there is nothing wrong about being alone – which is completely different to feel alone. Many people spend a long time of their lives unaware of the fact that we are enough by ourselves, we don’t need anybody else to feel happy, we have every right to enter the sea with our boat on our own. It’s time to embrace freedom and take a deep breath, we have ahead so many great things; amazing connections yet to be made, news discoveries about ourselves, solo-ride adventures… things that will come to us, but in order for them to happen, we first must let go off our past, untangle our thick and troubled minds, open them up and embrace our present; because it’s the only real time when get to live in.

You are an amazing person, you don’t need anybody else to complete you, you are able to achieve the greatest things. Just because the fact there is an empty space beside you on the road you are walking on, there is no need for you to stop your march, rush and panic looking around for someone to fill that space. Maybe that person is waiting ahead, maybe it’s somebody that you haven’t met just yet, throw away all your notes, all your expectations, if there’s anybody in this world that needs to impress somebody, let them be the people around you to you. Don’t waste your time trying to fit in someone else’s life as if you were desperate looking for shelter on a stormy night. Be the storm instead.

Be proud of yourself, live your life according to your own rules, enjoy every step.

J.

Photo: Camino de Santiago, La Rioja. July 2016.

P+sitive.

 

Restart your mind, begin from zero, you have been too long here, and the only thing you do day and night is resting on the window sill with the only hope to see a day with a brighter Sun than today. Look at me, let it go, run outside, come out and liberate that tornado of emotions, set yourself free, unchain your heart, let your soul fly on towards a greater future. The things in the past, belong to the past, they will never return, and now, while you are full of regret in a corner of that room, I am giving you the option to leave behind the unease and set your mind in something that you could be missing right now. Accept your experiences and keep the good in them, smile to your memories, focus on your present and search for a future close to your dreams. Forget the pain, forget all those fairy tales, take a deep breath, feel your heartbeat, it might be hurt, but ain’t dead; give it time to recover. Focus on what you love, your passions, your feelings, shape them up, distract yourself with the good things. Don’t think, just act, smile, live the moment. Listen to your silences, talk to your memories, tell them that now you’re free, and you are not afraid anymore, that with time you learnt, and you are tired of all this, time has come, light up your life, purify your essence and catch your dreams.

J.

Photo: Camino de Santiago, Castilla y León. Julio 2016.