Limerence & Silence.

Two shadows sit on a bed, both have their legs crossed, one in front of the other, they look at each other in silence, a thousand thoughts invade the room. Before them an invisible crystal door is drawn, it’s half open and it has a handle for two hands. At what point the value of silence exceeds the value of words?

…

Limerence. Can you feel it? It’s right there, floating around, breath it in, let it sink into your emotions, give them a sweet twist and turn your world outside down; only the unimportant things will fall down, then you will see what truly matters. Now capture the moment, it will remain evergreen until your last days, a memory to remember with a smile.

…

Beyond the physical act, now both shadows are left staring at the ceiling of the room, low in energy but high in love, they both are happy, not because they are looking at their past, nor thinking about what they will do next, they are so present on that sole moment, they have no need to take anything else. Silence fills the room again, but this one is made of a very different kind, the door is open, and although the lights are off, the room is so bright.

…

J.

Wherever you go, go there with love.

 

Two strangers staring at the black sky full of stars, words alternate silence and both can feel the energy flowing by…It’s getting late, but time seems to have stopped for the both of them, step by step they start to show to each other a little bit more about themselves…But the clock struck 12 and it was time to go to bed, both of them knew it, but neither of them really left… Their thoughts forged a bond that only would be unleashed by eye contact. Right before the moment he decided to leave, she asked him for a hug, and it was at that moment when both of their hearts were touching their breathing was aligned… It was something special, indescribable, magic… Love. After a few moments when they let go from each other, they looked in eye and saw the fire lighting their souls, their response was a tender kiss that only could mean one thing… Good night.

After reaching a moment of perfection, he headed back to his room with his eyes closed, he couldn’t quite cope with what just had happened, the only thing he could feel at that moment was a vibe inside him, an energy that was quickly starting to heal all his worries and past sorrows drawing a soft smile on his lips. Once he entered the room, in full darkness he started to get ready for bed, slowly he approached to the window and he looked through to find the same two chairs where both of them had been sitting on just moments before…  He whispered her name and when the silence of the night met him again, he lied on bed and started to listen to some music… It took him a few hours to fall sleep. While having his eyes closed he started to listen to his heart… The odds had changed at last. Time had all of a sudden frozen for him again, sinking him into a dream which he couldn’t tell if was part of reality. Overthinking on his head he still couldn’t explain how everything had occurred, all he could feel was a strong tingle on his forearms, a rapid and deep heart beat, and a constant feel of drowning as he couldn’t quite reach the air surrounding him. It was at this moment when he felt sleep, when he actually just had woken up to start reaching his dreams.

(…)

Sunrise filled the room with a mild light and he opened his eyes softly, a new day ahead, a new world beneath his feet ready to be discovered. He quickly rose up and started to get ready for the day, although the memories from the night before were still present on his mind. His moves were gentle and subtle, there wasn’t any nerves on him, there was no rush on his steps and soon he left the bedroom heading to the kitchen. Shadows were coming and going busy in their own matters, and in between the rush, there she was again, sat on one side of the table in silence finishing breakfast. Their eyes crossed for the first time in the morning, and they both smiled politely wishing good morning to each other. After everybody in the house was set to go, they found each other again looking for conversation. There was no sign of trouble from any of them, no apparent sign of memory from the last night, just casual words that seemed to carry on with the start of the conversation they had the night before. As they began to walk they engaged rhythm and words for a long time, the pace they carried was superior compared to the rest which were quickly left behind. As they were talking he had never felt so calm before, he was feeling very curious about her, and his only desire was to get to know her more and more…

As the day continued and the sun kept raising up they stopped in a few places to catch their breath, while sitting on the side of the road silence filled the space, he closed his eyes, and his mind took him ver far away for a few seconds, he had a moment to think of a very loved lost soul from the past which he was sure that somehow, was present with him at all times. So far, after hours talking to each other he still couldn’t see through her eyes, a simple glance was so intense to hold and he simply had to look away. He knew that if he kept looking, soon he would be able to find the answers he was looking for, but not quite just yet… It wasn’t until hours later, when the sun was starting to descend from the high skies when they decided to have a break once more, both of them were exhausted, in need of a pause to relax and have something to eat. They were sat on a bench right next to a church and he took out a pack of playing cards out of his bag which had bought that same day. She was curious about magic tricks and he knew a few of them, after shuffling and moving the cards around, spectator and magician right in front of each other, she seemed very impressed with the outcome and demanded him to tell her how he could possibly had done it. It was a this moment when after her question was thrown up in the air where their eyes met again for a few eternal seconds. While looking at her, he felt the fire burning his heart again, just like it did the night before, and he couldn’t hold his desire for any longer and he closed his eyes and tilted his head forward where their lips met. Magic. That’s the only way to describe what followed that slow kiss, where also their hands and arms also met. The feeling raising within their souls was so intense, the energy passing through their bodies was so powerful that every touch, every move was so deeply felt. They both completely forgot about the time and the place, it was just them, loving each other as if they knew it was their last day on Earth.

(…)

A slow and sweet caress on the cheek with the palm of his right hand felt tenderly her soft skin. Both lovers stared at each other while their foreheads touched, smiling ever so slightly and breathing softly as they seemed to share a secret in silence. They couldn’t understand anything of it, how they got there, where they were heading to, why did it happen, but they just didn’t care about it. Their minds were so focused into the present, that all they wanted to do was to smile and enjoy how the moment was fulfilling their souls. They could feel the intensity of the energy which was passing through their limbs, connecting them and bonding them together in new different way as if they had became one. Time had frozen again, they were lost, but they knew that together, they would find the way. Slowly they started to pack away their belongings, put their shoes on and headed west following a steep road that its end seemed to be hidden behind the hills. He had never felt so out of breath, weak and vulnerable, it was like all the energy he had was all gone, but that didn’t stop him to carry on with his journey. They walked in silence for minutes, just enjoying the evening cool breeze, looking timidly at each other every now and then. Sometimes their eyes would meet again and would draw a smile in both of them. They just knew one thing, what they felt.

It was beautiful and rather strange at the same time, as there was no attachment in their souls, and the path they shared somehow had opened their hearts to bring them together in order to reveal them something completely new. The simplicity of the fact that neither of them had any expectations on each other incremented the degree of the surprise. What they shared could be classified as something crazy, intense, passionate… A feeling. A feeling hidden in a locked chest that once the lid was opened the burst of power flashed their worlds out loud. Their steps took them a few miles ahead, where in the shadows of the night they would find comfort and rest, as the next day they would meet the sea, where his journey would find its end.

J.

Solvitur Ambulando.

“Solvitur Ambulando”… also known as “It is solved by walking”.

Over my latest travels I have been enlighten with memories that could fill an entire person’s lifetime, including challenges, new encounters, events clashing against my past experiences, uncertainty and a lot of emotions. But it isn’t what I experienced, what I discovered, the people I met, the places I saw… (this could go on an endless list), but really is what I took in from all of it… and the inevitable questions that came to my head about my life. I often think about how much it takes for a person to become happy, that was kind of the reason why I created this, as in a little diary to keep track with my adventures and discoveries.

It seems that for most of us seem to be trapped in a continuous cycle, a loop we cannot escape from, always wanting more and wishing for things we don’t have, always looking back to our dark past experiences finding remorse in things we did and regretting things we did not do… and here I find myself, right in front of my laptop, jogging down ideas about how I feel, trying to work out as I write what’s been happening to my soul for the last couple of months, did I finally make it anywhere, or am I still on this loop that will end up wearing me down and breaking me apart?

I am a dreamer, one of those that has no boundaries when it comes down to chasing my goals, someone that tries to draw his dreams with the same paste reality is made from, and no matter how many times the sea tide brings down my sand castle, I always keep my fortification open, without walls, waiting for that ship to sail into my docks.

But really, what does it take to be happy? to find love? to achieve all the goals that you set yourself? doing your family and friends proud of your actions? to be able to touch other people’s hearts with what you do? helping the World becoming a better place? to find your mental peace? traveling and trying something new in order to surprise yourself? risking everything you got for an idea or a feeling? doing what you love?… Happiness is so superfluous that lives in all of those, and at the same time lives in none…such a complex feeling, hidden in the basic needs of life, given and taken from as events in your life occur…sometimes I look around me and I find that happiness has landed everywhere else but on me, other times I feel gifted with its visit and fills my soul… could this feeling be almost comparable with chance or luck? or perhaps not?

Through life we seem to be clearing this continuous list of issues for us to solve, some of them are big, some others are just small, but if we are not careful, they can start to pile up and make us feel very tiny… The longer we live, the greater our wisdom becomes and we take on more responsibilities, more thoughts, we take into account more and more factors until the point we collapse; too many things to achieve, too many deadlines to meet, so many questions about our future, so many questions about the direction we want to go… and surely when we become older you’d think that we would be able to find happiness more easily… but it’s not. We grow up to be able to see over a fence where greater challenges and problems are waiting for us to hop into our minds, and once you feel them, it’s to late to get them off your head, and we end up all confused about what to think, and what to do…

Tears run down your face, stress seems to take your breath away, you find trouble to sleep at night, and no matter how hard you seem to try, new question marks keep coming up to your life. Sometimes you we wish you hadn’t grown up, as everything seemed simpler in the years behind, you had an idea of what you were doing, or the things you wanted, but not anymore, now you are lost on this pursuit which… will you ever find its end? are you the chaser or the one running away?

And in all this darkness that surrounds you now, there always be a halo of light, a hope, a prayer… sometimes this light might just come and leave as a shooting start and it will be up to you to catch it with your hands, other times it will be hidden inside you, waiting for a little impulse to come out… but there always will be a light. Brighter or darker, able to light up your mind or even the people around you: keep searching for it. It doesn’t take that much to find it… if you know where to look, sometimes is hidden in the simplest things of life, other times it come to you from another human being, and other times you will require you to leave everything you have to sail away to reach it. Wherever you light is, keep walking towards to it, because it is the only thing that once you find, it will be able to light your world.

Through my time here, traveling around this little planet, I have been gifted with a beautiful light, It’s not always there, but it comes from time to time to remind me to keep walking forward and to stop looking back, looking back to my personal void, to my scars… I have learnt to open my heart to the world and the people that live on it, to show my vulnerabilities, to know where my pain comes from, to answer with love to the words of hate and despair, to accept myself as I am, to open my mind as a book to the people that I find, letting draw and write on it. What was my surprise when I found out that when I was willing to listen, and not to fight, it was when the good things came. I found an amazing connection, a life plan without steps or a guide, a philosophy that no matter how hard my boat gets rocked, waters will remain on peace, the simple way of life… I am not sure who came to who, but whoever took the first step was doing something for sure: Ambulando.

J.

Photo: Camino de Santiago, Navarra. July 2016.

Melancholy After Midnight.

 

As shooting stars tearing the heart with their shine, I look back and blow the dust out of my memories. Because that’s what they just remained as, as something that they could have become but they got lost, so in moments like this, they will spark on my nights, bringing insomnia.

I sink myself deeply into my thoughts, looking for small gaps in this loop that always flows into a sea full of questions, where did all those promises go, as they came one day, the wind blew them away the next? I still feel that empty space inside, I think this might be chronic, as I doubt that our ways will cross again… and that makes me sad, because I am blind, only being able to see the projections of my own feelings, obviating reality and the imperfection of your lips. And that’s my curse, having such a good memory of you, a memory that staggered my world, but just that, a memory.

Now you will be sleeping, untouched and away from all this, wrapped around your world, lighted up through the glass of your own reality, so far away from me, and I am just here, so like this, asking myself if you even remember me. A sad story, one of those that was born from intensity and died suffocated from its own loneliness. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss it, it’s just my demons that sometimes come out to dance with the fire, questioning my principles and burning me inside.

J.

Photo: Camino de Santiago, Castilla y León. July 2016.

Serendipity.

Most of the time I like to write about the search, the pursuit of all those dreams that live inside of us, that ideal paradise hidden between the gray clouds of reality and routine, but what happens when we aren’t looking for such things? What happens in that little break that we take while chasing all those dreams?

Interestingly enough, when we decide not to give up, but to switch our minds off and let everything flow, we become magnets to hidden situations, to luck, moments that are bornt from pure chance, memories that cannot be forced or built, they just happen to be, so whenever you find one, just let them be and enjoy them.

Sometimes we seem so be so driven by our own ambitions, we become blind to what’s around us, we don’t see the bigger picture, we cannot hear the words of wisdom hidden in the outside. It’s always good to step back sometimes, reassemble our thoughts, discuss with our heart and head, turn down the ryththm, take a deep breath and remember the exact moment where we currently are, our present, our own reality.

By opening ourselves we become more likely to discover new things about us, beautiful things can be brought upon our eyes when we drop down any sort of expectation, the effect of them goes beyond – like placing your finger in a random point of a map and heading towards it without any information, we just don’t know what we will face, but something will always come.

Become your own guide and always remember to lose your north from time to time: you never know what kind of adventure you can find yourself in.

J.

Photo: Camino de Santiago, La Rioja. July 2016.

One of Those.

 

I am one that likes the unknown, one of those that travel away and find things that weren’t looking for, but they still find them. And from that moment, They are unable to stop searching, exceeding, discovering, risking… an infinite list of things that no matter how far it gets filled up, new things will come.

I am one that likes driving, one of those that push the accelerator with strenght and leave many kilometers behind. Feel the road, the touch of the wheel and the gears while changing can be more important than the actual place I want to get to. Look out the window and see landscapes mixed with speed.

I am one that won’t stop looking back, one of those that enjoy imagining a thousand pararell worlds of their own past, not with grief, but with curiosity. Always give them 5 minutes under the shower and wash them up to keep them clear and with shine.

I am one that likes drawing, one of those that don’t use rubbers, with no studs or marks, there always will be more papel and colours ready to use, every day it’s a white canvas to be filled. The imperfections of my drawings are where their beauty hides.

I am one that likes dancing, one of those that like closing their eyes, play with the music rythym and whisper the lyrics on their lips. When you feel the melody, your ears are just an instrument, the surroundings blur, feelings come up to the surface, memories are forged, space and time freeze.

I am one that likes writing, one of those that don’t have a clue about what they are going to write about, but they still write. Always carrying a few extra lines in the back of their mind, prefering to remain quiet and listen before opening their heart. Writter of his own stories, specialized on inking down letters from his soul, letters from his scars.

I am one that always wants and gives more, one of those that can’t find an horizon far enough to see nor a celling high enough to climb. Carpinteer of ladders with steps made of glass, through them you can share your fears and wishes to get a bit higher. Always having vertigo, not from going up, but from the day that I will have to go down.

I am one of those.

J.

Photo: Ibiza, Spain. July 2015.

Das Spiel.

Goosebumps. On the road again, I found myself with a new “Kultur” that filled my soul with that kind of substance that I hadn’t felt in many years… A beginner in a language trying to sink in a enormous amount of information into his mind – his challenge has never been understanding it, but feeling the culture  hidden behind in every word, every gesture… That’s the beautiful thing of learning a new language, and the moment that you find yourself inside its land, you get a real taste of what’s behind a colourful flag and the name of a country.

I look at the news, I listen to the people walking while they speak, I read the signs on the streets and I’m only able to decode traces of the full picture, I don’t feel frustrated –  it’s like a game where right now I haven’t got all the pieces, but I will return to find some more. The best part of this game is that when you have found enough of them you will never lose them and you will be able to make greater things… und für mich, das Spiel hat gerade erst begonnen. So let’s keep playing and see what I can build in some time.

Who would have thought that one day I would find myself writing a blog talking about learning a language while writing about it in another language I have previously learnt in the past? Who knows, maybe one day I will be doing the same thing using this new language…

I’m speechless about how all of a sudden I found myself months back starting from zero learning all of this, and there’s only one thing I can say:

– Dankeschön.

J.

Photo: Köln, Germany. June 2016.

Waves and Stars.

Away, by the sea, quiet I remain. My duties for the year seem complete, now I’m allowed to disconnect, but it’s not possible. I’m still bounded to what I feel, what I care about, there always will be a thought in the back of my head not letting me sleep, but I can still dream. I can smell the salt  from the sea and the green forest by the coast, I’m getting high in freedom and lost in words, my silences increase day by day, tasting the moments that go by, I also deserve some time for myself to think, to see, to feel what’s happening inside: I take a peek and I see traces of happiness in everything I do, it’s all about connecting the dots, choosing to remain innocent in a complex world, it’s a hard choice once you’re aware of how much you are capable of achieving.

I close my eyes and remain calm, I see the summer stars shining brightly up in the sky, their ethereral light is full of beauty, they’re able to describe this world with the simplest gesture, they seem unreachable, so far away. They make me realize of how small  we are, drifting away in no particular direction, yet everything seems so precise, so prestablished.

I wish I could stop the time just for a second, become evergreen and let air filling my lungs become my only reality, let the wildness of my heart fully come out, outstretch the wings of my soul, stare at the Sun and become one.

J.

Photo: Huelva, Spain. June 2016.

Decaying Evergreen.

 

Tonight I decide to crack my feelings up, as if they were a compact glass holding them all inside, I drop them on the floor and watch them tear apart. Shattered on the ground, they take shape into sentences with a question mark at the end of them.

As years come by I seem to be facing different obstacles, different questions, overcoming them have never been an easy task, nobody said it would be, and I wish I would have learnt enough from them, but there is no such thing as enough in my life, there always will be a twist, a change… what would be the point of living an easy life?, what could I possibly learn from a life that, after a certain point, feels completed where stability and only the expected occurs on it?…not much I guess – Although sometimes I crave such an idyllic world.

Many times I think back to the times when I was a child, where all my worries hid behind toys and play time, I was brought up with love and patience, my innocence remained intact for many years until I was ready to embrace the real world, I was given the chance to take my time to become who I am today, and that’s something I feel very grateful for. Now I am wise enough to see my luck, how so many things that were part of my life I had taken for granted, but as the old saying says, “You don’t know what you have until you lose it.”

And there I was again, outside my confort zone, trying to fix up the remains of my glass bubble that had another crack on the sides, and this time it was a big one. At first, paralyzed by the shock, I couldn’t see the way to fix what life had brought to my doorstep; I cried, I screamed, but after a while I understood that this would do no good to mend the broken, but at least it would help to take some anxiety out.

I had just been knocked out on the floor, trying to find the strength to fight back; when life hits you, it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, but to find the strength to get up every time. It was time for me to take a deep breath, understand the new scenario ahead, keep my mind cool, and keep walking forward. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter the magnitude of your problems, everybody has their own, and its only my task to face them as well as I can. Pity will never reach the hearts from the shadows outside, and although there will always be help to be reached, I am the only one who can make the difference towards what troubles me.

Life ain’t about gliding your way across it, but to leave a mark deep as lovesick in what you do and standing for what you really want.

J.

Blurred Wonderland.

 

This morning I woke up early, the alarm rang softly from the other side of the room, it was suttle but enough to wake me up. A second before opening my eyes I was dreaming, and all of a sudden I was there, in the bathroom, looking at my sleepy face wondering what had just happened. I was so relaxed, completely inhibited trying to recall what I just was dreaming about, “I am not sure what it was, but it must been a good one” – I thought.

All of a sudden, in a rush all my daily tasks came into my head, all my worries… my rational side just kicked in, giving me a small sharp pain pressuring on my chest, Anxiety. Without giving them much thought I went into the shower, while the water was falling on my shoulders I closed my eyes, trying to rememeber my dreams from last night, “what was in them that made me felt so relaxed?”– I thought. I managed to recall a few traces of them, they were intense and brought me back to moments of my past, scenarios that had turned on a different way, so while I was there, I let myself play games on my head; I imagined that the things I dreamt on were real, and I wondered how could things have changed. It was a charming set of thoughts, they didn’t last very long as I had to move on with my day, but they represented a moment that was just for me, and I felt grateful about it.

My day carried on as expected, and on my way to the centre of Madrid, when I came out of the underground, I looked around to see a busy city, full of cars driving by, and people with a serious face walking hurriedly into their own matters. I was again, for a second, standing still, watching my surroundings as if I was the one that had frozen. The smell brought me back to the memory when I  first came to this city, “Things have changed, the city hasn’t but I have” – I thought. It was an indifferent thought, it didn’t bring much emotion, just a small reflexion of how time doesn’t wait for anybody, and its effects are unstoppable.

After that, my mind came back to the thought of returning for a while to Dreamland, things seemed so peaceful and smooth in there… “Maybe that’s why I love sleeping, although I can never get enough” – I smiled. The reason we dream at night is because as individuals we are, we are always seeking perfection, but we live in a imperfect world. In our dreams somehow we are able to glance that perfection, that unreal place where things just work out. They feel so real… from them we can wake up on tears or with the brightest smiles, they make us to reminisce and blur reality to what ain’t.

They can be many things but one, real.

But that’s up to me.

J.

Photo: Annecy, France. January 2016.